by Tiff -

It Was Just a Matter of Time…

Wheelchair Bomber Kills 3 in Iraq Police Station

The bomb was hidden under his seat cushion, which security failed to check…obviously.

Great, thanks crippled (or fake crippled) terrorist-man. Now I’m going to have to endure an even more extensive & personalized search at airport security, thanks to your ANNOYING retarded terrorist ass.

The terrorists are getting desperate, that’s for sure. This is almost as bad as when a couple of weeks ago, two Iraqi women with Downs Syndrome were used as suicide bombers. This wheelchair bomber probably willingly killed himself though, unlike these poor ladies.

I always knew a wheelchair was a perfect place to hide a bomb. It’s funny it took terrorists almost 8 years to figure this little factoid out. Losers.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Proof We’re Surrounded By Idiots: Example #(are we counting anymore?)

More proof: Gas station pump accessibility buttons.

These little blue “I need help!” buttons were created by some clueless  government official over a decade ago. Gas stations across the country are required to have ’em. Nice idea in theory, except there’s one problem: THEY’RE USELESS.

Maybe if you’re Stretch Armstrong, these buttons are of some benefit, but for 99% of the human race, being able to reach these buttons from your vehicle is impossible. What were they thinking??

The whole pourpose of these buttons is to allow us gimpy folk to get our gas pumped without having to leave the comfort of our vehicles. But if you have to get out of your car/truck/van/whatever to hit the stupid button, then what’s the point?

Yes people, this is my rant of the week.

I’m a C6 quad and surprisingly, I can’t hit the button. But I know fully-functioning paras who still can’t reach these buttons. To solve this ridiculous predicament (how I long for the full-serve days!), I now keep the number of the gas station I frequent in my wallet, and after I pull up to the pump, I just call them and alert them that a person in a wheelchair is at pump <insert # here>, and within a few minutes they come out to pump my gas.

Has anyone figured out a better way to get gas? 

– Tiff

by Tiff -

But I’m Not F$%#ing Thirsty Doc!

After you screw up your spinal cord, the usual M.O. your doctor will pound over your head is, TO DRINK MORE WATER.

Is it just me, or is this incessant push for me to drink nasty, blah-water hissy fit-inducing? For all these 14 years of my quad-dom, I have never learned to enjoy drinking water. I’m rarely, if ever thirsty, and only on special occassions (usually after a long, dry day at the Renaissance Faire), will the notion of a cool glass of water sound appealing.

This is where I say, “Thank you Jebus!” for Crystal Light flavor packets. These little babies came out last year, they’re sugar-free, and they can be added to a glass of water to mimick the best tasting juice ever, but the awesom part, it’s not juice. Bonus for my poor beat-up bladder.

You can find Crystal Light flavor packets at most grocery stores in the Kool-Aid or energy drink aisles. They run about $3.50 per 14-packet box.

Just stay away from the Tropical Punch flavor! Even though it’s amazing and by far their best flavor, if you spill it on your carpet, take it from me, you will never get it out.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

UK Modeling Opp

If you’re a woman with a disability residing in the UK who’s been chomping at the bit to enter the world of modeling, this is your chance.

A new TV show on BBC THREE called Models Uncovered will be premiering later this year. “Models Uncovered is a new BBC THREE show where eight contestants live together in a fully accessible apartment, get fashion model training from the best in the business, and fight it out for the ultimate prize. The winner will be given their own photo spread in one of the country’s premier fashion magazines, and receive representation by a top agency.”

For more info visit the BBC Ouch! website.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Target Buy of the Week: Rainbow Bikini

This is official gay-pride bikini, people! Composed of stripes from every color in the ranbow and fashioned with sexy old rings (the bandeau-version; not pictured), this rainbow bikini will definitely get you noticed by the gay boys and hottie straight men alike.

$14.99 for each piece

Get your size now before the cheapo fashionistas beat you to it!

You know…I’m impressed. Way to go Target buyers. It seems that with each passing year, their swimsuit collection has gotten exponentially better. As I checked out all of their new suits today, I honestly couldn’t decide which one I liked best. There were too many to choose from. From the Space-Dye Swimwear Set to their Eyelet Triangle Swim Top, their sexified sunbathing options are endless.

And if you’re wondering how a girl in a wheelchair pulls off a bikini, easy; I just stop eating between April – June.  No seriously, my body has never and will never be “bikini perfect,” but I don’t care. My quad gut has yet to manifest it’s uglyself. So…I’m going to enjoy it this semi-ok bod while it lasts.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Scoring Beautiful Men

As I promised a few weeks ago (to the sassy, ex-Ms. Wheelchair of Minnesota), here are my official suggestions for the best way to pick up the beautiful men of Minneapolis, or the beautiful men of <insert your city here>.

Rule #1: Cleavage rules. Men are pervy animals when you get down to it, and the best way in the beginning at least to grab their attention (on that street corner or that carpeted skyway), is to show them the goods (and believe me, the boobs are magical).

Rule #2: Smile! A smile is the second best way to invite a man to approach you, disabled, wheelchair-using, or no. Just flash them that groovy smile of yours and see what happens. In my experience, I will at least get a “Hello.” And hell, with a smokin’ guy who could get any two-legger he wanted, this is saying something.

Rule #3: Ok, I already covered boobs and a smile? What else is there? Flashing them your nipples? Yelling your cell number at them? Pretending you need help? (kidding)

Seriously though, the main rule of thumb is to just be as approachable as possible. If that involves channeling “approachable vibes” so the hottie in question notices ya, then do it. I’ve always found too that sporting the natural look (no makeup, un-blowdried hair), and if you can do it subtlety (no bra) works like a charm too (does that make me a slut?).

You see, approaching the sexy “girl next door” is WAY easier than approaching some dolled-up bombshell.

Ok guys…was there anything I missed? Meeting guys on the fly is NOT easy.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Gilly Hicks

Watch out Victoria’s Secret! You finally have a worthy competitor!

This year, Abercrombie & Fitch launched their new lingerie store called Gilly Hicks/Sydney. It’s casual, young lingerie, targeted towards women in their late teens/early twenties…and even though there are only 4 currently open in the US, one very well may be opening soon near you.

I’m lucky, a Gilly just opened earlier this month at the Mall of America (right by my house). I checked it out today because some of my girlfriends told me it wasn’t wheelchair accessible (the store has steps in the front and multiple levels), but luckily, they were wrong. There are hidden ramps placed strategically throughout the store.

After my excursion there today, I mut confess I’m in love with this place. The lighting in the store was moody and hella sexy, there were paintings of hot/semi-nude men on the walls (finally!), and the entire store was made up of separate rooms as if you were meandering through a quaint, richy-rich home on the Australian coast. Architecturally very cool.

Anyways, I’m only posting this blog because the store endeared me for two reasons. Reason #1: They have an extensive bra line where each bra is named after a female first name (“Courtney,” “Ashley,” “Miranda,”etc). I don’t know if you remember this or not, but way back in the day Victoria’s Secret did the same thing, but now only their “Ashley” and “Emma” bras remain :/ I’ve missed this bra-naming technique for years because it’s so girly and fun, so it’s nice to see this naming-idea brought back!

Reason #2: Their signature lilac-scented perfume, La Perouse. It’s OMG divine and if you go into the store, you’ll instantly smell it. I bought their tiniest bottle for $44.00. My beau isn’t really into floral perfumes, but I don’t care. Lilacs are my fav flower hand-down.

As it stands, you can’t buy any of their stuff online (yet), but in the meantime, check-out their website to view their sexy black & white movie featuring topless chics and bare-assed men.

Hmm-hmm-tasty.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Nan You’re a Window Shopper

Sometimes a good song is all you need to start your week off right. On that note, I present to you the hilarious song:

Nan You’re a Window Shopper by Lily Allen

Seriously, what can be funnier than a snotty British teen teasing her Grandma about window shopping and never buying, and how her colostomy bag is leaking? Ok, it’s a bit cruel, but it’s all in good fun. Follow the link above for the free MP3.

Lyrics!

The Bottom feels so much better than the top
So much better (fade better)(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper
Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive

(Verse 1)
Get up in the morning and you like your tea milky
You fumble for your glasses coz without em you cant see
Its funny how I come round your house and im 20
And I still have to wear all the presents you sent me
I walk into your kitchen everything’s got a label
You done your Christmas shopping and we’re only in April
And you wont leave your house unless your wearing your thermals
Your covered all in cat hair and your stinking like Strepsils
Your heading down the Bowls Club
Have another orange squash
Bowls are rollin rollin
You cant walk right coz things aren’t what they were
Your ankles are swollen swollen

(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper

Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive

(Verse 2)
Walking down the post office to pick up your pension
And then your off to Bingo
Its become an obsession
So wary of the kids when their wearin their hoods up
And even if they smile at you, you think it’s a stick up
You only buy the paper to cut out the coupons
Your saving 50p but what do you want with tampons
Your always at the doctor picking up your prescription
And they throw in some K-Y just to ease up the friction
You got a leak in your colostomy bag
Yeah its got a hole in hole in hole in
At the weekend your shopping with your trolley
Its sad how your rollin rollin

(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper
Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive
 

– Tiff