by Tiff -

Scoring Beautiful Men

As I promised a few weeks ago (to the sassy, ex-Ms. Wheelchair of Minnesota), here are my official suggestions for the best way to pick up the beautiful men of Minneapolis, or the beautiful men of <insert your city here>.

Rule #1: Cleavage rules. Men are pervy animals when you get down to it, and the best way in the beginning at least to grab their attention (on that street corner or that carpeted skyway), is to show them the goods (and believe me, the boobs are magical).

Rule #2: Smile! A smile is the second best way to invite a man to approach you, disabled, wheelchair-using, or no. Just flash them that groovy smile of yours and see what happens. In my experience, I will at least get a “Hello.” And hell, with a smokin’ guy who could get any two-legger he wanted, this is saying something.

Rule #3: Ok, I already covered boobs and a smile? What else is there? Flashing them your nipples? Yelling your cell number at them? Pretending you need help? (kidding)

Seriously though, the main rule of thumb is to just be as approachable as possible. If that involves channeling “approachable vibes” so the hottie in question notices ya, then do it. I’ve always found too that sporting the natural look (no makeup, un-blowdried hair), and if you can do it subtlety (no bra) works like a charm too (does that make me a slut?).

You see, approaching the sexy “girl next door” is WAY easier than approaching some dolled-up bombshell.

Ok guys…was there anything I missed? Meeting guys on the fly is NOT easy.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Nan You’re a Window Shopper

Sometimes a good song is all you need to start your week off right. On that note, I present to you the hilarious song:

Nan You’re a Window Shopper by Lily Allen

Seriously, what can be funnier than a snotty British teen teasing her Grandma about window shopping and never buying, and how her colostomy bag is leaking? Ok, it’s a bit cruel, but it’s all in good fun. Follow the link above for the free MP3.

Lyrics!

The Bottom feels so much better than the top
So much better (fade better)(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper
Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive

(Verse 1)
Get up in the morning and you like your tea milky
You fumble for your glasses coz without em you cant see
Its funny how I come round your house and im 20
And I still have to wear all the presents you sent me
I walk into your kitchen everything’s got a label
You done your Christmas shopping and we’re only in April
And you wont leave your house unless your wearing your thermals
Your covered all in cat hair and your stinking like Strepsils
Your heading down the Bowls Club
Have another orange squash
Bowls are rollin rollin
You cant walk right coz things aren’t what they were
Your ankles are swollen swollen

(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper

Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive

(Verse 2)
Walking down the post office to pick up your pension
And then your off to Bingo
Its become an obsession
So wary of the kids when their wearin their hoods up
And even if they smile at you, you think it’s a stick up
You only buy the paper to cut out the coupons
Your saving 50p but what do you want with tampons
Your always at the doctor picking up your prescription
And they throw in some K-Y just to ease up the friction
You got a leak in your colostomy bag
Yeah its got a hole in hole in hole in
At the weekend your shopping with your trolley
Its sad how your rollin rollin

(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper
Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive
 

– Tiff

by Tiff -

What’s Pissing Me Off: Quad-Tipping

Seriously people. What the fuck is wrong with people?? As you’ve probably already heard by now, a quadriplegic dude got dumped out of his wheelchair last week on purpose, because the fucktard of a deputy didn’t believe the guy was paralyzed.

I honestly don’t know how she couldn’t have figured out he was the real deal: What? The bizarre quaddy hands, the atrophied legs, THE OBVIOUSLY USED WHEELCHAIR, weren’t enough proof? What an ignorant waste of space.

I’m sorry, but if that quad would’ve been me, I can guarantee you that the hardest bone in the human body, the elbow, would’ve been in her face so fast that she wouldn’t have known what hit her…and yes, I would’ve blamed it on a spasm.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Confessions of a Quad Makeup Addict

If you check out my post from yesterday where I shared an eyeshadow “how-to” tutorial thanks to the awesomeness that is YouTube and FilthyWhore, you’ll see a most excellent video of what I call the “Rainbow Brite” eyeshadow look. It’s seriously glamtastic.

I went ahead and gave it a go myself last night, and here are the results (pictured left). I just love this 5-color eyeshadow look. You know, it seems over the past year that my love of bright, glammy makeup has grown exponentially(!), much to the chagrin of my conservative family members (“Too much eyeliner!” they moan).

But whatever. I don’t care. I may not be able to change the fact that I can’t walk, but I can change how my face looks on a day-to-day basis, and it’s a hellava nice change and very theraputic. And believe me when I say this: Getting used to putting on makeup with paralyzed fingers is NO easy task.

If you can at least move your wrists, you’re golden. I’ve perfected the art of “holding” long handled brushes (MAC highly preferred) between my thumb and first finger. Long handles are a MUST ladies. Other quaddy-quad tips:

– Q-Tips are your best friend. Keep plenty on hand (and nearby) to clean-up any eyeliner, mascara, and eyeshadow mistakes.

– CoverGirl’s Perfect Point Plus Eyeliners go on super easy and with minimal pressure. A great thing if your arms aren’t that strong or stable.

– Ok, this is a “multi-tip” tip (grin). Here are some of my must-have products: Maybelline Great Lash Mascara (just an overall great product and there’s essentially never any clumps after you apply), MAC’s Prep + Prime Skin makeup primer (this goes on before your foundation and makes your foundation look much more natural and less cakey), MAC’s Pigment Eyeshadows (these colors totally pop and the container lasts forever), MAC’s 219 Pencil Brush (this smudger has helped cleaned up many an eyeliner nightmare and can make the crookedest line look spectacular).

I leave you with my most important tip: Don’t be afraid to experient and go, well, a bit crazy. Makeup is seriously fun stuff if you just give it a chance. I liken it to finger-painting for adults :)~

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ruff, ruff...Whether you loathe or love this “all things lovey dovey day,” it is upon us so we (yes we) must face the Kenny G. music. 

– Here’s some fun stuff on the history of St. Valentine’s Day.

– And here’s a link to the other holiday celebrated today: Single’s Awareness Day.

I’ll be getting drunk on red wine and eating large quantities of dead cow flesh this evening. If anything says love better than this, I don’t what.

I’m curious, do any of you dis-folks out there have an amusing or enchanting Valentine’s Day tale to tell? If so, spill. I need some entertainment today.

Watch out for Cupid’s arrow!

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Everything You Need to Know About Your Skin

Stop buying worthless skin products girls! I don’t know about you, but on top of my toilet I have this girnormous wicker basket filled to the brim with cleansers, night creams, day creams, masks, and peels…which are rarely, if ever, used. And I’m a poor writer. I can’t keep living with these hits and misses!

Well thank God (I can’t-believe-I’m-saying-this) for Oprah. I recently discovered on her fantastic website, the holy motherload of everything you need to know about how to take care of your skin.

Entitled Four Decades of Beautiful Skin, this “how-to” tell you what you should be doing to your face everyday, no matter your age; whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s. And as a 28 year old extremely vain, fair-skinned, sun worshipper, this advice is more than welcome.

Things I learned for 20-something skin:

– I should use a SP 15+ daily lotion everyday on my face AND neck.

– Since my skin is more oily than dry, I should use a gel cleanser, but only at night.

– I should use a Retinol-based, oil-free (essential), night moisturizer. Retinol is basically just highly concentrated Vitamin A, and this vitamin has been proven to erase wrinkles and boost your skin’s collagen levels. Plastic surgeons highly recommend this product. And if you put it up under your eyes, you won’t need to use a separate eye cream.

Neutrogena has a great anti-wrinkle, retinol-based night cream (see above), which after only using a few nights, I can attest to it’s results. Freakin’amazing shit (totally softened my forehead lines), and it only costs $12.00 approx (bought mine at Target). Just use a pea-sized amount each night.

– Tiff