by Tiff -

The Thing About Wheelchairs See…

…is that no matter how careful you are, your plaster 1 foot and lower on ALL OF YOUR WALLS, AND your carpet (if you have some that is, vs wood floors) WILL eventually (I guarantee you) get ruined.

So save up, my wheely-friends of the world. You’ll need a nice savings buffer to make your home seem…umm….presentable, after you’ve dented, cracked, made holes, in the walls throughout your home thanks to your trixxy back wheels or annoyingly sharp-edged foot rests.

I know I have. Of course, the copious amounts of red wine I drink befote the plaster demolition or carpet staining commences, likely doesn’t help.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

“If Celebs Moved to Oklahoma…”

Here’s what you get when you combine a Photoshop snarky man and a wicked sense of humor.

Someone once told me that Sarah-Jessica Parker had a horse face. Maybe this Photoshop guy had the same idea?

I salut thee, www.planethiltron.com, for making me smile on a blah Saturday where I’M SWAMPED WITH WORK.

– Tiff

PS. The Tom Cruise one and The Olsen twins ones are also hilarious. Some look obviously fake, but hey, they’re still good for a laugh.

by Tiff -

Don’t. Touch. the. Joystick. (kid!)

Something must be said for the phenomena, the draw really, of kids towards the mighty joystick.

There’s something about the wheelchair joystick that just screams for kids to come and play with it. And I gotta say, as much as I love me a cute kid, having random, strange kids reach for my joystick unbeknownst to me and accidentally run themselves over IS NOT something I want.

Hey, I’m a poor writer. I can’t afford to be sued by some pissed-off parents. Screw you. It’s not my fault your kids can’t keep their little grubby hands to themselves.Even my 1 year old neice, who is barely aware of the world around her, hones in on my joystick like a tiger to raw steak. I can’t explain it. It’s seriously the weirdest thing ever.

Maybe it’s because my joystick is shaped like a huge, over-sized nipple, and subconsciously the kid is drawn to it just because she just wants to suck on it. Maybe that’s true for the younger kids (ha), but for the older kids, say…the 5 – 7 years olds (after 7 they usually know better), well, these kids just see my joystick as an opportunity to practice the video game/XBox/360/etc skills, or something to that effect.

What am I? A rolling practice console?? 

So after dozens of incidents where tiny little kidlet hands have grabbed onto my joystick without me knowing and driven me around like an old lady drunk on Jager, I’ve learned to hone some skills of my own. Oh yes. I call it the “Flip Off and Cover” method. Once I see their eyes gravitate toward my apparently tasty black “nipple,” I turn it off and hide the joystick in the crook of my elbow. Disaster averted, and then the kid must now find something else to entertain him/her for that 10 second interval.

Apparently there really is “joy” in handling the “stick” afterall. After 14 years of using one, I guess I’ve forgotten there was a novelty about it. Bizarre…

– Tiff