by Tiff -

What’s In Your Wheelchair?

Admit it. We’ve all done it. After transferring into bed at night, you realize you’ve been rolling around all day with some embarrassingly bizarre object that has somehow  attached itself/instered itself into your chair.

It’s fess-up time, people. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever found on your wheelchair, that either you unknowingly, or someone else, put there?

Here’s my list:

– Makeup pencil sharpener that hitched a ride on my footrests all day.

– Makeup brush that managed to fall alongside my ass on my seat cushion.

That’s where that went?!

– Beach sand from Sanibel Island in FLORIDA that was still in my wheelwell, discovered after I had been back at home in MN for 6 mos.

– French fries, popcorn, and other tasty food (no, I’m not saving it for later).

Your turn!

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Proof We’re Surrounded By Idiots: Example #(are we counting anymore?)

More proof: Gas station pump accessibility buttons.

These little blue “I need help!” buttons were created by some clueless  government official over a decade ago. Gas stations across the country are required to have ’em. Nice idea in theory, except there’s one problem: THEY’RE USELESS.

Maybe if you’re Stretch Armstrong, these buttons are of some benefit, but for 99% of the human race, being able to reach these buttons from your vehicle is impossible. What were they thinking??

The whole pourpose of these buttons is to allow us gimpy folk to get our gas pumped without having to leave the comfort of our vehicles. But if you have to get out of your car/truck/van/whatever to hit the stupid button, then what’s the point?

Yes people, this is my rant of the week.

I’m a C6 quad and surprisingly, I can’t hit the button. But I know fully-functioning paras who still can’t reach these buttons. To solve this ridiculous predicament (how I long for the full-serve days!), I now keep the number of the gas station I frequent in my wallet, and after I pull up to the pump, I just call them and alert them that a person in a wheelchair is at pump <insert # here>, and within a few minutes they come out to pump my gas.

Has anyone figured out a better way to get gas? 

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Nan You’re a Window Shopper

Sometimes a good song is all you need to start your week off right. On that note, I present to you the hilarious song:

Nan You’re a Window Shopper by Lily Allen

Seriously, what can be funnier than a snotty British teen teasing her Grandma about window shopping and never buying, and how her colostomy bag is leaking? Ok, it’s a bit cruel, but it’s all in good fun. Follow the link above for the free MP3.

Lyrics!

The Bottom feels so much better than the top
So much better (fade better)(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper
Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive

(Verse 1)
Get up in the morning and you like your tea milky
You fumble for your glasses coz without em you cant see
Its funny how I come round your house and im 20
And I still have to wear all the presents you sent me
I walk into your kitchen everything’s got a label
You done your Christmas shopping and we’re only in April
And you wont leave your house unless your wearing your thermals
Your covered all in cat hair and your stinking like Strepsils
Your heading down the Bowls Club
Have another orange squash
Bowls are rollin rollin
You cant walk right coz things aren’t what they were
Your ankles are swollen swollen

(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper

Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive

(Verse 2)
Walking down the post office to pick up your pension
And then your off to Bingo
Its become an obsession
So wary of the kids when their wearin their hoods up
And even if they smile at you, you think it’s a stick up
You only buy the paper to cut out the coupons
Your saving 50p but what do you want with tampons
Your always at the doctor picking up your prescription
And they throw in some K-Y just to ease up the friction
You got a leak in your colostomy bag
Yeah its got a hole in hole in hole in
At the weekend your shopping with your trolley
Its sad how your rollin rollin

(Chorus)
Nan you’re a window shopper
Taking a look but you never buy
Nan you’re a window shopper
You wont pick it up if it’s over a fiver
Nan you’re a window shopper
Get on the bus coz you still cant drive
Nan you’re a window shopper
Mad as f*** only just alive
 

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Colbert and Gorlock

So let’s face it, The Colbert ReporT hasn’t been at peak performance lately, being that all of their writers are currently on strike.

But (and this is a big “but” here), the creation of Gorlock, an alien financial advisor recommended to Steven by crazy-Scientologist-midget, Tom Cruise, is some of the funniest shit I’ve seen on TV in a long time…especially when Steven bitches about how Gorlock gave him bad financial advice (or never even called him), when the Stock Market tanked the other day.

Go laugh yourself some tears of pure, unadulterated alien-joy:

Go now. Must watch Gorlock.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

The Lame Para vs. Quad Debacle

In all my years as a member of the gimp community, one of the most ridiculous things I’ve come across is the way some paras and quads polarize their para or quadness, and form little lame ass gangs where they exhalt the characteristics of their injuries.

For the life of me I could never figure this out. Are they so insecure that the only way they can feel better about themselves is so talk themselves into believing they’re somehow superior than the other half of the SCI population? I just don’t get it.

And I know that a lot of quads, no matter their level, are bitter towards paras; jealous mainly of “how they got it so much easier/better.” I’m sorry, I don’t care what type of SCI someone has, but we’re all screwed, paras and quads combined. We’ve all lost a tremendous amout of ability whether we have a C2 or a L1 break, and it’s the pits no matter how you look at it….

So let’s stop the gimp-on-gimp hate okay? It’s pointless and really fucking stupid.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Words You Should Know

Filed under: Funny Sh#t, Wheelchair Life — Tiffiny @ 3:32 pm

Here’s how you say “wheelchair” in a few different languages:

– Fauteuil Roulant (French)

– Sillon de Ruedas (Spanish)

– Rollstuhl (German)

– Rolstoel (Dutch)

– Sedia a Rotelle (Italian)

– Kurumaisu (Japanese)

And on the same token, if you use a wheelchair, knowing how to say “Fuck you” in a few different languages should also prove useful:

– Va te faire toutre (French)

– Jodete (Spanish)

– Fick dich (German)

– Kutding (Dutch)

– Vaffanculo (Italian)

– Mechi Baka (Japanese)

Happy swearing wheelchair people!

– Tiff