by Tiff -

What’s Pissing Me Off

Ignorant men who stereotype women in wheelchairs.

You see, I ran across a lame ass blog today written by an even bigger lame ass, who joked about how he’s always wanted to date a woman in a wheelchair. Read on:

“I’d love to date a girl in a wheelchair. I could just sit on her lap and have her push us both around…it’s not like she couldn’t handle the weight of me sitting on her because her legs probably lack the ability to feel. And as she pushes me around on her lap, I’d go ‘WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!’

Also if I slept with her, she wouldn’t feel it anyway, so less effort. Lastly, it’s always been a dream of mine to nickname a girlfriend ‘Wheels.’ These are the things that are important to me.”

First of all, what a fucktard.

He has no idea what size queens women with spinal cord injuries really are. In fact, we need our partners to try harder than they would with able-bodied women so we can actually reach orgasm (which btw, is a million times harder with decreased sensation).

So to the guy with the fucking annoying blog: WE CAN STILL GET OFF FROM OUR G-SPOTS IDIOT! No lazy nights of beer drinking and Playstation 2 for you.

You gotta be on your A-Game, little man. You’re gonna need all the effort in the world to satisfy this chica 😉 And scrub my wheels while you’re at it…

– Tiff

by Tiff -

“Crappy” Food That Should Be Brought Back

Case in point Numero Uno: McDonald’s FRIED Apple Pie (and the Fried Cherry Pie, RIP).

Screw the wussy-girl Baked Apple Pie they’ve been pimping since 1992. I want me some fried tasty outer-shell, heart-attack inducing goodness. And why in the FRECK did such a genius corporation get rid of perhaps the best fast-food desert in the history of food in the first place? Was it to create easier prep or prevention of lawsuits due to magma-hot filling flying in your face?

Trans-fat/MSG being the reasons, I really don’t care…

Apparently (heard on the Internet grapevine), the tasty-schmasty fried apple pie can be found at McDonalds stores loacted in Walmarts (in various parts of the USA), and at overseas McDonalds in Australia, Lebanon, and other countries where apparently McDonald’s has deemed their tastebuds more worthy than mine/ours, whatever.

And hey, I’m not the only one who’s willing to picket outside the McDonald’s HQ in Oak Point, IL to get it brought back. Look at this guy’s website: McDonald’s Fried Apple Pie Loacator. And I thought I had an obsessive personality complex.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

2008 Will Be The Year of the Rat

Happy New Year, devoted readers of my ever-updated blog! You may or may not be aware of this, but 2008 will be (according to Chinese astrology) the Year of the Rat. Yes, you read that right. A year is actually dedicated to the plague-causing rodent that is also know the disgusting (in my opinion), beady-eyed rat. Here’s a little insight into what we can expect in the rat-themed lunar new year:

“In the Year of the Rat (beginning on Feb. 7th), we can expect 12 months of plentiful opportunities and prospects not to mention being relatively free of turbulence, (which is great to know especially if you’re planning on making some long-term investments, starting new projects, or keeping the home fires burning brightly).”

“A Rat Year is a time of hard work, activity, and renewal.  This is a good year to begin a new job, get married, launch a product or make a fresh start.  Ventures begun now may not yield fast returns, but opportunities will come for people who are well prepared and resourceful.  The best way for you to succeed is to be patient, let things develop slowly, and make the most of every opening you can find.” 

So, I don’t know about you, but I take these things with a grain of salt. I’m not quite sure what to believe: Is this stuff totally, 100% true or is it antiquated hog-wash? We’ll never know. I do know however that a few years ago (2004 I believe), was the Year of the Monkey, and my friends brought it in with a banana-themed party, with mini-banana bread loafs passed out to each guest and crazy monkey-esque games that were played. So when February 7th, 2008 hits, what kind of rat-themed foods, games, etc, would be apropos for a Year of the Rat party? Ratatouille (the French vegetable dish, not the Disney movie), cheese, peanut butter served on faux mouse traps, “pocket full of puss” cake? The options are….the opposite of endless.

Happy Year of the Rat!

by Tiff -

Sans Les Panties

Did you know that wheelchair-users everywhere – like the old dude in the Hooveround at Barnes & Noble, the young Mexican dude (with a grill) rolling down 5th Street, the hottie in the powerchair at your favorite after work bar – are all going out in public without their panties on? Ha! That’s right, folks. The joke is on you!

Hey, it may gross you out or it may give you a laugh, but I know for fairly certain that over 75% of every wheeler you see out in public is going commando. I can assure you however it isn’t out of some sick and twisted perversion. It’s out of necessity!

That’s right: Panties are pointless. All they do is dig into your skin and leave marks (hello? sitting all day!), which could turn into sores, and then you’re sorely screwed. So don’t wear ‘em ok? Like anyone is gonna know 🙂 Save yourself the hard-earned dough you made at your customer service job this week, and instead of spending it on a pair of rhinestone encrusted black satin panties from VS, put it towards something more meaningful…like a bottle of some delicious Stolichnaya.

That’s right….sweet ‘n tasty Stolichnaya. Yummmms…..

– Tiff

by Tiff -

As a Power Chair-User That Flies, I’ve Learnt My Lesson: Print Out Your Own “Be Careful” Signs

“Be very careful with this wheelchair! You are handling a $15,000 piece of equipment. Any damages will be considering grievous and handled by my lawyer. HANDLE WITH CARE!”

That’s the sign (one of them), that now goes on my chair each time I fly. You see, I’ve learnt my lesson the two times I’ve flown this year (the first time was to L.A. in June for a Christopher Reeve Foundation event, the second time was for a weekend getaway to Las Vegas in late July): When flying (or with Sun Country Airlines, at least) you simply must print out your own “Handle with care” signs and tape them all over your chair before handing over this very important piece of medical equipment to the lions (and believe me, they are lions). Each time I’ve flown this year the irresponsible luggage handlers (the guys outside who haul your 300+lb wheelchair in and out the belly of the plane), have severely broken my chair.

This is an extremely maddening experience. The first time around they pulled too hard on the harness (aka “the big fat cord”) that connects my joystick to the computer chip that runs the chair. I literally got stuck in the elevator at my posh L.A. hotel and went up 14 stories, unable to exit the elevator, as my chair broke down. When I flew to Vegas, it was my beloved elevator seat that got shat on. They somehow while lifting the chair up, hit the box UNDERNEATH my chair that runs the elevator seat (a $7,500 piece of equipment), making in unfixable. For the Vegas trip, I printed out 3 signs and taped them onto my joystick, my backrest, and behind the backrest; all in the effort to let the handlers know that this wasn’t just another piece of equipment they could toss around.

So when I fly next week, wish me luck! I’m going to print out double the amount of signs with the font extra bolded, just to be sure they’re more than extra-careful with my precious wheels. These are my legs people! I mean, for serious…

by Tiff -

Why “Timmy” from South Park Rocks My Socks

I know it’s been discussed by hundreds of other dis-folks before on plenty of other dis-sites, but I just gotta say how much I think “Timmy” (and “Jimmy”) on South Park rules from a disabled person’s perspective; not only for being hysterically funny (making fun of oneself can provide the greatest of laughs), but also how it shows AB kids interacting and being friends with a disabled kid and not making a big deal out of it.

See, they show it without pointing it out and this subtle “non-highlighting the obvious politically correct goings-on” decision has done a lot I believe, in helping AB’s (of all ages) to stop freaking out what others may think if they decide to chillax with a disabled person. Heck, South Park has possibly even made it look cool in certain circles. Ha! The irony!

Famed actress with CP (Cerebral Palsy), Geri Jewell (from “Facts of Life” and “Deadwood”), is rumored to be the inspiration for these characters, but I’m not sure if Matt and Trey have fessed-up to this. But that’s besides the point. The REAL point is that through humor, changes in how we’re accepted can be made, which will hopefully carry on to future generations.

What’s more empowering than making fun of yourself before someone else gets a chance? By doing this, you’re both empowering and enchanting yourself to all the ABs in this AB world. Heck, Conan O’Brien is the MASTER at this. He’s always the first to poke fun at his crazy, uncontrollable red bouffant or his pasty white skin.

So with “Timmy,” the creators of South Park lovingly and adoringly poke fun at “Timmy,” usually by showing comical things that are related to his disability (like with he joined the “Crips”): There’s so much humor in a little boy with CP joining one of the deadliest gangs in the country, I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ll leave you with a most excellently funny link to a “Timmy” YouTube video:  “Timmy on his best.”

by Tiff -

Why You Should Check Out “Little Britain”

Andy = The dumbass in the wheelchair.

Lou = The dumbass PCA.

It’s a lot like Dumb and Dumber (as in “the blind leading the blind”), but the kicker? Andy can really walk and Lou is too dense to figure it out. Ha.

It’s classic British humor, courtesy of the hit comedy sketch show on the BBC: Little Britain

I absolutely LOVE this skit and thanks to YouTube, I can get my Lou and Andy fill anytime I want 🙂

Just to show you how great it is, check out my favorite Lou and Andy episode: Lou brings his friend Andy to the swimming pool…

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Whaa? You Can’t Walk? Whatcha Talkin’ About Willis?

Ever have that WTF moment (especially when you first wake up), where you simply can’t believe you’re in a wheelchair? It’s been 14 years since my accident, and I’ve been getting that feeling more and more lately…

It’s annoying and surreal. Just when you think you’ve gotten used to your condition, there goes your brain again, screwing up your coveted peace of mind.

Why in the hell is this happening to me so late in the game?? Anyone, anyone? Somebody help a sister!

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Falling Out Of Your Wheelchair Never Gets Easy

How many times have you fallen out of your chair? In my 14 years of paralyzedville, I believe it’s been about 12 times or so, I can vivdly remember each time. I remember because it’s embarrassing. I remember because it hurts! And I remember because it’s a brutal reminder of how much I *really* depend on my chair. And I REALLY don’t like the latter part. It also doesn’t help that I can’t get back in it without help.

As I wheel around each day, working, visiting friends, going out, doing my day-to-day mundane activities, I forget how much I really rely on my chair. I forget I’m even using one sometimes, at the height of my business (I really love when this part happens). But then of course that’s usually when I roll by a mirrored-wall and see my reflection, getting reminded just how disabled I really look to the public. It’s crazy and very much an out of body experience.

One of the first times I fell out of my chair was in the middle of winter. I had an old conversion van with a lift, which my brother was operating. He was impatient, thought I had already rolled off the lift, and started bringing it back up, in the process flipping my chair over, with me getting a nice face full of snow. Oh the memories. My front caster wheels had been off the lift, but not my back wheels, hence why I flipped. I sometimes still wonder if my brother feels any regret from the day.

Another time I fell out was during my college days. I was walking with Mike, my blind friend, down the street one day in the middle of summer. I had taken some painkillers earlier on in the day due to a recent surgery I had and, “Whammy!” I got all dizzy suddenly, lost my already horrid balance, and fell out. And why o why does it always seems like I’m in slow-motion everytime this happens? Just another weird thing about chair life I guess.

I’ve been lucky. Out of all the times I’ve fallen out, at least someone was nearby to help. Can you imagine how scary it’d be to fall out and be all alone? I don’t even want to imagine.