by Tiff -

The Lame Para vs. Quad Debacle

In all my years as a member of the gimp community, one of the most ridiculous things I’ve come across is the way some paras and quads polarize their para or quadness, and form little lame ass gangs where they exhalt the characteristics of their injuries.

For the life of me I could never figure this out. Are they so insecure that the only way they can feel better about themselves is so talk themselves into believing they’re somehow superior than the other half of the SCI population? I just don’t get it.

And I know that a lot of quads, no matter their level, are bitter towards paras; jealous mainly of “how they got it so much easier/better.” I’m sorry, I don’t care what type of SCI someone has, but we’re all screwed, paras and quads combined. We’ve all lost a tremendous amout of ability whether we have a C2 or a L1 break, and it’s the pits no matter how you look at it….

So let’s stop the gimp-on-gimp hate okay? It’s pointless and really fucking stupid.

– Tiff

by Tiff -

Words You Should Know

Filed under: Funny Sh#t, Wheelchair Life — Tiffiny @ 3:32 pm

Here’s how you say “wheelchair” in a few different languages:

– Fauteuil Roulant (French)

– Sillon de Ruedas (Spanish)

– Rollstuhl (German)

– Rolstoel (Dutch)

– Sedia a Rotelle (Italian)

– Kurumaisu (Japanese)

And on the same token, if you use a wheelchair, knowing how to say “Fuck you” in a few different languages should also prove useful:

– Va te faire toutre (French)

– Jodete (Spanish)

– Fick dich (German)

– Kutding (Dutch)

– Vaffanculo (Italian)

– Mechi Baka (Japanese)

Happy swearing wheelchair people!

– Tiff

by Tiff -

The Beautiful Men of Minneapolis

One of my most favorite pastimes since locating to downtown Minneapolis is enjoying the visages of the beautiful men that work in my fair city. And there are quite a number of them I assure you. More than any girl like myself could ever need. With the high percentage of law firms, banks, and other corporate entities that are located in the downtown zone, handsome men in their 20s and 30s are everywhere; simply and fantastically, everywhere.

And when a cute gal like myself needs a boost on her Happy Meter, a jaunt downtown has always been the sure thing. It never fails. Seriously…what’s better than a tall, graceful man in a perfectly tailored suit, smiling at you as he walks by? Absolutely nothing. And on many a sad, depressing day when I can’t bear to live another minute with this wretched SCI, the sight of a beautiful man has always made me reconsider any preposterous thought. This is especially true when they say hi. Giddiness ensues…

Many say that women are God’s personal handiwork; that they are the most beautiful sex, but I disagree. A young, in-shape, and well-dressed man is at least comparable, and even fairer, if you ask me. Luckily, I’ve had a few notable beautiful men in my day. Some weren’t all that easy on the eyes, I’ll admit it, but the ones who were lovely…oh, I’ll remember them forever…

If my knees could go weak (you sing it SWV), these are the traits that will always and forever, drive me wild: Dark, chin-length hair, sexy eyes, broad shoulders, fashionable clothes, lightly pin-striped suits., cool shades, a low, husky voice, impeccable taste in food and wine, a witty sense of humor, an aggressive personality, graceful hands, and better taste in music than even me, which btw, I highly doubt is possible 🙂

by Tiff -

Sans Les Panties

Did you know that wheelchair-users everywhere – like the old dude in the Hooveround at Barnes & Noble, the young Mexican dude (with a grill) rolling down 5th Street, the hottie in the powerchair at your favorite after work bar – are all going out in public without their panties on? Ha! That’s right, folks. The joke is on you!

Hey, it may gross you out or it may give you a laugh, but I know for fairly certain that over 75% of every wheeler you see out in public is going commando. I can assure you however it isn’t out of some sick and twisted perversion. It’s out of necessity!

That’s right: Panties are pointless. All they do is dig into your skin and leave marks (hello? sitting all day!), which could turn into sores, and then you’re sorely screwed. So don’t wear ‘em ok? Like anyone is gonna know 🙂 Save yourself the hard-earned dough you made at your customer service job this week, and instead of spending it on a pair of rhinestone encrusted black satin panties from VS, put it towards something more meaningful…like a bottle of some delicious Stolichnaya.

That’s right….sweet ‘n tasty Stolichnaya. Yummmms…..

– Tiff

by Tiff -

As a Power Chair-User That Flies, I’ve Learnt My Lesson: Print Out Your Own “Be Careful” Signs

“Be very careful with this wheelchair! You are handling a $15,000 piece of equipment. Any damages will be considering grievous and handled by my lawyer. HANDLE WITH CARE!”

That’s the sign (one of them), that now goes on my chair each time I fly. You see, I’ve learnt my lesson the two times I’ve flown this year (the first time was to L.A. in June for a Christopher Reeve Foundation event, the second time was for a weekend getaway to Las Vegas in late July): When flying (or with Sun Country Airlines, at least) you simply must print out your own “Handle with care” signs and tape them all over your chair before handing over this very important piece of medical equipment to the lions (and believe me, they are lions). Each time I’ve flown this year the irresponsible luggage handlers (the guys outside who haul your 300+lb wheelchair in and out the belly of the plane), have severely broken my chair.

This is an extremely maddening experience. The first time around they pulled too hard on the harness (aka “the big fat cord”) that connects my joystick to the computer chip that runs the chair. I literally got stuck in the elevator at my posh L.A. hotel and went up 14 stories, unable to exit the elevator, as my chair broke down. When I flew to Vegas, it was my beloved elevator seat that got shat on. They somehow while lifting the chair up, hit the box UNDERNEATH my chair that runs the elevator seat (a $7,500 piece of equipment), making in unfixable. For the Vegas trip, I printed out 3 signs and taped them onto my joystick, my backrest, and behind the backrest; all in the effort to let the handlers know that this wasn’t just another piece of equipment they could toss around.

So when I fly next week, wish me luck! I’m going to print out double the amount of signs with the font extra bolded, just to be sure they’re more than extra-careful with my precious wheels. These are my legs people! I mean, for serious…

by Tiff -

“Push Me Through The Snow, Mister?”

We here in Minnesota got over 15″ of snow in the last week. It’s been wretched and awful. My new mini-van doesn’t want to start (bad battery? who knows) and there’s so much snow on the streets that the snowplows just push the snow outwards, like the wake of a boat, blocking the curb-cuts with several feet high snow piles. It’s making my life as a resident of Minneapolis not very appealing these days. I use a wheelchair, yo. And my arms are weak. There’s no way in Hell I can carry a mini snow shovel with me as a meander down the sidewalks, shoveling my way through snow-packed street corners. What to do, what do…?

But I guess this situation isn’t brand new to me or anything. I’ve been dealing with “snow + wheelchair = really annoying” fiascos for over 14 winters now, and I don’t plan on moving anytime soon either. I live in a fancy new condo owned by a family member, my family lives here, MN Medicaid is great, my bf lives here, and I have a ton ‘o friends too. Why in the Hell would I move? Should I let the 3 months of snow and icy cold weather we get each year make me run off to Texas, Florida, or <insert warm weather state here>? Nah, I love it here. But bring on the global warming, folks! 😉 Buy your SUV’s and drive 50+ miles a day so little ‘ol Tiffiny up in Minnesota can drive her wheelchair downtown in December. Ha 😉

by Tiff -

Why Don’t Docs Do Housecalls Anymore?

Some of my friends from the UK and Holland (and myself being from the USA) were talking yesterday about the phenomena of housecalls made by doctors, whether or not they still do them where we live, and why or why not. According to my friend Karen (who lives somewhere in England), her doctor makes housecalls to her on a regular basis. She has a spinal cord injury and doesn’t have accessible transport. So because of this, whenever she needs to see her doctor, her doctor comes to her. Never the other way around. She says that housecalls are still very common in the UK and that up to 50% of patients are still seen by their doctor in their home, instead of going into the clinic themselves. Now as a resident of the USA, this sounds refreshing! She even went on to add that housecalls are gaining in popularity (this were her opinion at least).

Now being that I as well have a spinal cord injury, knowing this tidbit of UK-information makes me yearn for the Golden Years of the USA when doctors still made housecalls. Even though I have a modified mini-van which I can drive, it would still be nice to have the option of him visiting me instead. But no, I’m pretty sure if I called my doctor’s office and requested a housecall, the secretary would laugh in my face! And I’m not 100% on this, but I’d bet housecalls went out the window once everyday Americans could afford to buy a car; probably somewhere between the late 1940’s and the early 1950’s. I remember seeing quite a few old movies where the doctor would come to visit you if you happened to live in the Western-era or in the Victorian-era, but that was a long, long time ago.

What about where you live? Does your doctor ever make housecalls?

by Tiff -

Why Concerts Help Me Forget About My Disability

It was in early 2003 when I discovered a passion of mine that had been lying in wait my entire life until it finally burst forward, exploding into my life after an electrifying small-venue concert: The Stereophonics at The Fine Line Music Cafe in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

It was an incredibly cold, late January night when we ventured out into the into the sub-zero temps to brave the dark, desolate streets, to find a parking spot for my accessible van. But we succeeded. Proof in itself that we were meant to make it to the show that night, -30 windchill and all. Once inside the bouncers ushered “the girl in a wheelchair” to the very front, right by stage (it was General admission, standing room only). They do this out of fear that the crowd might trample me at some point, staving off what would ultimately be a lawsuit by me on them (a nice “bonus” to having to use a wheelchair I guess). At least the concert “seats” are good.

Anyways, back to the show. This unknown-in-the-US-but-widely-known-in-the-UK moody rock band began their set and I was instantly hooked. They started with “Alcoholic” (one of their best known songs), and everyone in the crowd began singing along. A huge wave of energy I had never experienced before filled the room, and I was floating on air: The loud, pitch-perfect sound system, the ecstatic crowd, the hoots and hollers and the clapping; it was all just out-of-body and I was taken, up, up, and away, out of my wheelchair, forgetting for those amazing 90 minutes that I was even disabled.

Needless to say, since that fateful show in early 2003, I’ve been to dozens of shows since and have even seen my idol – David Bowie – live TWICE during his “Reality” tour. In fact, it’s Saturday today and tonight I’ll be heading out – once again – to the mystical Fine Line venue for “Glitter Ball,” a ’70s Glam Rock tribute with 100% of its proceeds going to the Minnesota AIDS Project.

Lucky for me, the concerts never stop. And I’ll never stop going.

by Tiff -

Why “Timmy” from South Park Rocks My Socks

I know it’s been discussed by hundreds of other dis-folks before on plenty of other dis-sites, but I just gotta say how much I think “Timmy” (and “Jimmy”) on South Park rules from a disabled person’s perspective; not only for being hysterically funny (making fun of oneself can provide the greatest of laughs), but also how it shows AB kids interacting and being friends with a disabled kid and not making a big deal out of it.

See, they show it without pointing it out and this subtle “non-highlighting the obvious politically correct goings-on” decision has done a lot I believe, in helping AB’s (of all ages) to stop freaking out what others may think if they decide to chillax with a disabled person. Heck, South Park has possibly even made it look cool in certain circles. Ha! The irony!

Famed actress with CP (Cerebral Palsy), Geri Jewell (from “Facts of Life” and “Deadwood”), is rumored to be the inspiration for these characters, but I’m not sure if Matt and Trey have fessed-up to this. But that’s besides the point. The REAL point is that through humor, changes in how we’re accepted can be made, which will hopefully carry on to future generations.

What’s more empowering than making fun of yourself before someone else gets a chance? By doing this, you’re both empowering and enchanting yourself to all the ABs in this AB world. Heck, Conan O’Brien is the MASTER at this. He’s always the first to poke fun at his crazy, uncontrollable red bouffant or his pasty white skin.

So with “Timmy,” the creators of South Park lovingly and adoringly poke fun at “Timmy,” usually by showing comical things that are related to his disability (like with he joined the “Crips”): There’s so much humor in a little boy with CP joining one of the deadliest gangs in the country, I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ll leave you with a most excellently funny link to a “Timmy” YouTube video:  “Timmy on his best.”