After Tori, a paraplegic, and her boyfriend broke up, he just had to send the super mean email.
Dear Tiff,
I’ve been seeing an able-bodied guy who had never been around a wheelchair before, and he never felt comfortable around me. We recently stopped seeing each other, but he wrote this to me in my inbox on Facebook: “It’s sort of interesting that you ‘paint yourself with the same brush that able-bodied people do: Not being able to compete with an able-bodied woman for a man’s affections. I know that the odds are more in favor of you ‘being dumped’ due to your disability playing a role in 1) your access to members of the other sex AND 2) the fact that your pool of potential partners is a lot smaller than the pool I can choose from….due again to ‘how people are conditioned to think about relationships with people with disabilities versus those with able-bodied people.'”
I just don’t know, I feel he’s saying I try to be like ABs, but can’t?! Or that I try to act as if I’m not disabled, but there is no way I could compete with an AB woman for a man’s affections. He’s someone I was seeing for a little while, now we’re not. This was written yesterday.
I know that’s the truth, but he was saying it to hurt me. Tiff, how do you take this?
Tori
_________________________________________________________________
Hey Tori,
Wow, I was getting mad reading this. I think every disabled woman out there can relate to this on some level. And the fact that he sent this unwarranted after the break-up was complete is just….ick.
Don’t waste your time communicating with this guy any longer. Any douche who points out the obvious is not only boring and hurtful, but selfish, somehow thinking by saying those things makes him feel better for dumping you. Don’t let him hurt you any longer.
Reply to him and say: “My disability is also a great people-filter, helping point me in the direction of evolved humans who see love and beauty before disability. Thank you for not wasting my time any longer. We will all be dead before we know it, you as well, and I’d rather spend my precious time with people who appreciate my priceless qualities. Farewell.”
Then block him.
Hope I’ve helped!
Tiff
Would do you think is going on here? Comment below.
Have a dating dillema? Email tiffiny@beautyability.com
What counts to me is personality, morals, ethos, and whether I feel comfortable enough to be myself around him — and no, that has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not he’s in a wheelchair. I try to see everyone for their *abilities,* just as I want others to see me.
There’s a very awesome guy, Nick Vujicic (vooy-cheech), who relies on a customized motor wheechair to get around. He has no limbs, aside from a “chicken drumstick” left foot. But he is so outgoing, personable, and inspiring, that people are drawn to him. He travels the world as a motivational speaker, and has such a positive outlook & attitude. (If I lived in California, was 5 years younger and single, I’d love to date him! LOL) Look him up on YouTube; he also recently released a book in addition to his first two DVDs. –> http://www.LifeWithoutLimbs.org
TORI (and Tiff) — if he can’t handle being around someone in a wheelchair, let him go; you deserve better!
Tori,
I’ve been a para for 14 years and I’ve had my heartaches when it comes to dating. He isn’t worth stressing over. There are lots of real men out there and it love will happen some day. Tiffany is right your chair weeds out close minded/ignorant people. I would block him al well so you don’t have to hear any hurtfull things. Be yourself and let it find u. Best of wishes and keep your head up. Xoxoxo
Oh man, I know this all too well. There was a guy that I knew prior to getting sick, and we re-connected while I was in Rehab. I told him everything, and he seemed fine. A couple months after I got out, he came down to where I live (about 90 mins away), and we went on a date. He seemed totally fine, although he was lying in my bed, and I didn’t want to make him nervous with trying to transfer, so I stayed in my chair. He left, and we texted back and forth, and he told me he would have helped me transfer so we could have snuggled. I was elated…
Unfortunately, the jerk never texted me back after that night. I tried to make small conversation, but he would just respond with one word answers. After a week, I said “screw it” and just deleted his number from my phone.
Two months after that, he tries to add me on Facebook (he’s not big on internet networking sites, so he was new to it) and I sent him this HUGE message about how big of a douche he was for trying to add me and for making me feel as if I wasn’t worth the time, because of my disability. Ugh. Guys can be such big jerks!!
Hi Tori,
That guy was just a ********* ,good riddance to bad rubbish. Iknow it hurts ,because i have been there, but it gets better. I dumped a guy i had been seeing for 4 years, he cheated on me with a girl who was living in the same apartment building as me. The piece of shit had the nerve to tell me i must forgive him and take into consideration that he is a great guy who never dicriminated against me as a disabled person ,and that there were many other non disabled girls he literally had to fend off, because he chose to be with me !!
Hi Tori..
It really irked me reading your message. Totally forget him he’s not worth your time. Everyone is right about wheelchairs weeding out the jerks. I’ve had dates where it seemed like oh I don’t know that they were okay with my chair and me but you could feel that it wasn’t going to last. I finally found the one I am totally sticking with he’s wonderful and makes me feel like the most loved women every day. If I had stopped looking I would have missed this one and that would have been a crying shame because we get along perfectly and I finally know why the others didn’t last… You have to both be totally comfortable and maybe I was worried about making other bf’s comfortable and they were trying to make sure I was so I wasn’t really me with them just a version of me.. When in reality neither of us was completely being ourselves. Good communication is the key. This time when my bf and I started dating we promised to be completely honest and share everything even if it wasn’t great and we found that we were being ourselves there’s nothing we don’t talk about. It has made us closer then most of my friends who are married..
You’ll be fine! 🙂 Never settle … NEVER! 🙂
I would definetly date regardless of your disability. I am currently a US Marine. My contact info is terrance2525@gmail and 5183355437
I’ve been with a WC reliant woman with FA (Friedriech’s Ataxia) for 2 1/2 years now. I met her by chance on Myspace, and we started talking. I thought she was incredibly beautiful, but I do have to admit I was VERY apprehensive about the WC thing. I was single, well educated, had an incredible job and I did well financially. I actually didn’t have any problems finding attractive people to date, so going down the disabled path took a bit of time to consider. It was more fear of the unknown than anything else. But, after some consideration I thought to myself, why not? I have to admit, it totally opened a whole new world to me. I never realized how disconnected the rest of the world is to the “not so able bodied” community! But, my girl was an incredible person to be with. The transferring and other assistive care things I had to pick up really surprised me and I have to admit added an intimate feel to the relationship really early on. After spending almost 2 years driving 60 miles one way to see her, we finally moved in together after I made my house accessible. She is the love of my life and I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else. I never would have thought that I would ever be living with wheelchairs and accessible showeres before we first met. Don’t any of you give up the dream. Just as I found the perfect person for me, you can all find that perfect person for you. My sweetheart often tries to convince me that her disability will someday drive us apart. I think of all the “mentally disabled” people I’ve been with over the years and I’ll take someone who is physically disabled in a heartbeat! It’s not always easy, but for me its an incredible and sometimes guilty feeling to know that I’m making a difference in someone else’s life. Guilty because I enjoy being with her so much! She always tells me I saved her life. What she doesn’t understand is that until I met her, it was I who really wasn’t living. Truth be told, she is the one who actually saved MY life!